Maxectomy!

Hello!! my name is Maxectomy (not really) i’m a queer little goblin loser and i really like making things,, this blog is mostly just to vomit out my thoughts into the world, i have an art side blog in case you want to look at that @maxirat , and my dissection side blog is @maxectomia

keep in mind i’m a minor and my pronouns are he/it, apart from english i also speak polish and spanish so don’t hesitate to talk to me in either of those :)

List of interests;

-I collect bones and love taking photos of dead animals i find, i also often do dissections of the animals my bio teacher brings me

-Horror literature and weird stories, i especially love H.P Lovecraft, Stephen King, Cesar Vallejo, and more

-Garfield, fukcing love taht guy, i even have a fan side blog for him

-wizards

-i play bass and a bit of guitar :))

-i’m currently working on a big project, i’m building an electric guitar from scratch, i post updates on here

Quick list of some of the bands i listen to:

Slipknot, type o negative, bring me the horizon, five finger death punch, cattle decapitation, rob zombie, murderdolls, snot, limp bizkit, gojira, powerwolf, rammstein, kittie, carnivore, deftones, ashtray, Wednesday 13, system of a down, korn, cannibal corpse, behemoth, necrophobic, darker by design, trivium, pantera, sepultura, insane clown posse, my chemical romance and more!!!

Sometimes i reblog dead animals, or post the photos from the dissections i do,, if you find that upsetting then beware

You can find me talking and general bullshit about me under #max barks and my drawings under #max draws, however i’m still updating the posts tagged as of writing this, guitar updates are under #guitar updates

Spider therian, human and gender

cutespooder

Hey y’all!!
Haven’t used this account much -yet- so imma start beeg with a long text about my experience of being a female spooder (therian) and a female hooman. Simultaneously.

Yeeeah both.
To explain “what am I” in a simple way and give some context for the following text I’ll explain it quickly and simply.

I do identify both as a human and as a spider but although I’m both and they are two separate things, I experience it more as a gradient between one and the other and I move up and down that gradient. I don’t remember feeling fully human ever since before questioning my identity, and I haven’t ever felt *fully* spider either, it’s always at least a 99% something 1% the other. And where I am on that scale shows on shifts of many types as well as how I look in our headspace (I’m part of a plural system), and in general how I view myself and how I feel about myself, etc, which includes gender identity too. I am NOT a hybrid, I am just both at once.

So, I’m a female, that’s something I thought I had clear from the start, but the more I accepted, learned, and experienced about my non-human identity, I noticed that my idea of femininity was starting to blur. To the point of even considering being nonbinary, genderfluid, or similar.

And here I am not talking about what society considers feminine or what concept of femininity I apply to others or me or what’s right or wrong about all that. I’m talking about how the idea of me being a female -which I knew and know as true- didn’t always feel like it matched with my experience of my own gender.

Since I was a female, thought about myself as a female, and constantly experienced being a female -for the short while until I realized I was not only a human- I assumed that as a stable thing, but the more I learned about myself, the more it started to make less sense.

Spoiler alert: Tho always a female, I experience it differently depending on how spider or how human I am! Well… kinda.

It took me a long while to figure it out, but now I’m going to try to put it into words. Keep in mind that explaining something like this is… hard to say the least (try and put your gender into words, it’ll be fun they said). So probably I’m gonna do wacky comparisons, generalizations, and so on with which I do not intend to disrespect anything or anyone, and if I do, I am actually sorry.

The hardest part I believe is to put my most human femininity in words, but it doesn’t feel that important to go in-depth into that, so let’s say that it’s very… cliché, or stereotypical, as u wish. Chest, long hair, long lashes… That kinda thing.

But the more spider I am, the more genderless I feel (comparing here with the gender experience of our agender headmate). The more spider I am the more I feel I “lack” gender. Now shape-wise/visually (on headspace) it’s hard to tell what is due to gender stuff or what is due to spider-like anatomy stuff or where do I draw the line -if there’s even a line, at this point…- but the truth is, the more spider I feel the less physical feminine attributes I exhibit and same with behavior. Now, I can’t really explain how I move or gesticulate when mostly human, but we can say that the general public would agree to call it feminine -for better or for worse-, end even that slowly fades away the more spider I feel, which all together almost led me to think of myself as non-binary or genderfluid, but what stopped me is that that didn’t fit. Regardless of that apparent lack of gender I still thought of myself as a female.

And believe me, I did lots of introspection to see if it was hidden transphobia, something bleeding from another headmate or something related to another headmate, something self-imposed, imposed accidentally by others, or some other things like that. And tho remnants of my creation may have had something to do with how I ended up like this, the truth is what I’m now is what I am and that’s a female, so the only answer is that it was just the way I experience my femininity when mostly feeling like a spider.

Which ultimately makes sense since an arthropod couldn’t have that strong of a sense of gender. Or maybe identity at all (tbh, I lack research there).

Another thing I have yet to mention is the fact that the more spider I am the more meaningless that my own gender feels. This of course doesn’t change the fact that I am a female, but it does decrease the importance that I give to it. Let’s say that the more human I am, the more likely I am to state my gender and/or pronouns when I introduce myself, and the more spider I am, the more likely I am to forget it and/or say it the last or later in the conversation.

Still, all these experiences that seem more comparable to some point on the non-binary/trans spectrum are something that I can still call feminine with how it applies to me.

Now, the weird thingie -yep, the weird thing is still to come-; for me, there’s not a single way of being, for example, 50/50 spider-human. That 50/50 can express in plenty of ways, and the same goes with gender. It’s not exactly “the more spider I feel, the less feminine attributes and behavior I have”. Although it works for explaining, the truth is that although it is linked, is not a direct correlation.

Also, me saying percentages here is just to explain easily. In my daily life, it’s vaguer like “Oh I feel very human/spider now” or so on. Not numbers. Regardless of how spider or human I am, I’m still me. And still feeling like me, it’s hard to point out differences on how different “this” from “that” is me. Gender-wise it’s the same. Unless someone mentions it or I go check, I won’t feel the “lack” or “presence” of gender, since it will always be me, Ninette, and regardless of everything, a female.

Bonus: I’m not that two-dimensional, of course, maaaany other things relate to my gender and my non-humanity, but if I didn’t isolate these two things to explain I could be writing a thesis here, and no thanks.

Maxectomy!

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Spider therian, human and gender